Innasense

2020-12-28 09:42 pm

Obsessions 

What power you hold over me...
Every action, every thought 
Is just a push in your direction 
Feeding into the obsessions, 
Lost connections, misdirections, 
Absolutely positively coerced into these affections 
By a brain constantly seeking tiny moments of perfection. 

Though you kind of must admire this curation of adoration, 
All the mental efforts required to keep up the constant cultivation 
Of this undisturbed fixation, 
The impropriety and distraction 
of a single-minded meditation, 
All these mind-numbing, pacing, 
clock-like rotations 
Theoretically leading this obsessive mind to pure elation, 
The uninhibited fruits 
of this persistent dedication. 
Happy sighs and exhalations...

But then...
The sobering realization 
That somehow life existed 
before this shrine’s erection
And perhaps the cracks start to show, 
Unexpected but apparent imperfections, 
Initially denied and resolutely rejected, 
The shattered shards of a crystal ball that disagrees with my projections, 
The deflation, depletion, extortion
Of my vexation, 
Maybe leading to complete and utter exoneration... 
The disintegration of my fascination. 
Maybe someday...

But for now I prefer to float in my comforting contemplations, 
Giving in to the infatuation, 
These happy delusions 
of my mind’s incarceration. 
And if the worst this should cause is 
These false exhilarations, 
Then I shall stay here for a while 
And enjoy the scintillating sensations 
Of my obsessive ruminations. 

A
Temporary
Salvation. 

Innasense

2020-10-13 04:48 pm

If you Really Saw Me

What would you do if I told you all my secrets? 
The ones pulled from deepest trenches, darkest corners.
Scraped them like the drippings of my innermost self 
Onto your proverbial plate

Would you push them all back? 
Demand a reverse regurgitation  
Of all that was ugly in me
And pretend you never saw 

Would you sift through my soul?
Stir a fork through all that is me, 
Looking for the parts you can use, 
Discarding the rest 

Would you shatter the plate against the wall?
Shards of me on display for all to see, 
Lay me bare in front of the eyes of the world 
And laugh at the tears streaming red down my face 

Or would you love me just the same?
As my inner enigma bleeds over the porcelain edges
As you see all the sides unseen 
Would you smile at my uncloseted skeletons? 
Would you hold my empty vessel self 
and fill me with the light, 
the love, 
my soul needs?

What would you do if I told you all my secrets?

Innasense

2020-10-10 09:54 pm

Warning: this is looooooong and if you’re a sensitive individual the first parts may bother you. But hopefully the last part will inspire you. Speak your truths friends. The ones who matter will love you all the harder. #worldmentalhealthday

Hidden Stories 

They smiled, jokingly told her 
she looked tired, 
“Must’ve partied hard last night.”
Smile quietly returned, 
“just didn’t sleep too well I guess.”
She didn’t tell them how hard it was to get out of bed this morning, 
How sleep never came last night, 
How it felt like the darkness would just swallow her whole, 
How she felt hollow and empty 
and there weren’t any tears left, 
just an ache deep within 
that wouldn’t subside. 
And maybe if she just squeezed her eyes shut and stayed in that bed 
in the blacked out void, 
She wouldn’t have to face another day of faked smiles and “I’m ok” lies. 
“Just tired today I guess.”

“It’s warm today man!” 
“What’s with the long sleeves all the time?”
“Got some crazy tattoos under there?” 
He smiled, laughed along with them, 
Self-consciously ran his hands 
over his wrists. 
Over the bandages binding his secrets.
They didn’t know how close he got last night, how he almost let go, 
How so much blood, HIS blood 
swirled down the drain, 
mixing with his tears. 
He was sure no one would miss him, but he wondered if he would miss this world, 
And the good days out in the sun, 
Few and far between as they were.
What would they say if he were gone tomorrow?

“You should’ve come out with us last night. You would’ve had so much fun...”
She nodded and made those
“next time” promises, 
though she knew they were lies. 
She’d stay home again, 
Wrapped in the icy grips of loneliness, 
Which felt somehow better 
than her burning cheeks 
when the right words just wouldn’t come, or the wrong ones spilled out, 
and she felt their eyes on her,
Panic rising, thoughts frozen
Wishing she’d just stayed home, 
Away from the judgement, 
And all the wrong moves she always made

“Haven’t seen you around in a while! Doing ok?” 
His mouth smiled, head nodded, 
lips formed words he’d said so often, automatic. 
Because, really, he thought, 
How could I describe 
that moment last night, 
body curled up with forehead cold 
against the kitchen floor, 
Ears covered to block out the voices, 
Silent screams wracking his body as the panic overwhelmed him, 
No breath to speak, 
And who could he call anyway, 
How would he explain these moments of pure fear that slipped in unnoticed
and become everything, took everything, until he was a shivering shell of himself. 
Sometimes he wondered, 
if they could see through him, 
would they think him weak? 
Would they walk away...?


These people are all make-believe, 
but the experiences are not, 
taken from articles and discussions 
and sometimes even revelations from 
real-life friends. 
These are not my stories, 
but they are someone’s truths, 
Not their weakness, 
Not their short-lived sadness
that they can just “get over” if you try hard enough to make them happy. 
(My gosh do I need to remind myself of that part sometimes...)

But that doesn’t mean you stop trying. 
Love them y’all. 
Love them so damn much that you’ll sometimes break through the cracks in their self-inflicted armor. 
Listen to them, 
Give them the chance to be 
open and honest, 
And if what they say makes you flinch, imagine what it must feel like for them. 
Do something kind that makes them smile and get ready to do it again tomorrow.
Smile and laugh with them. Cry with them.
Be genuine with your 
thoughts and feelings. 
Give them space, but check on them. 
Pull them out of the dark for just a moment, say, 
“I’m here for you when you need me. 
And I always will be.” 

Mental health issues are often invisible, 
but still feel debilitating to the one 
inside that head. 
Stay educated. 
Be understanding. 
Love the hell out of each other. 
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤🤍🤎💗

Innasense

2020-10-05 08:49 pm

If all our troubles 
Could grow wings 
And flutter away 
How much lighter
Our hearts would feel 

I’d go bird watching for OCD 
Or photograph Anxiety
Capture Depression in my lens 
Wait quietly for Loneliness and then 
Watch them all take flight, 
bright wings 
While my unburdened heart doth sing 

Innasense

2020-10-04 11:21 pm

I miss that girl who wore the moon on a chain,
The one who found happiness 
in solitude and rain,
Who wasn’t smothered by the 
endless need-to-dos, 
But instead made simple moments her muse. 

I miss the girl with the honest, unforced smile,
The one who could always stay for awhile,
Who took endless photos 
of sunsets and trees, 
And spent time, just being, 
under canopies of leaves.

I miss the girl always seeking out the new, 
The one whose blue days 
were ephemeral and few, 
Who spent her Sundays, childlike, 
taking trips to playgrounds, 
Instead of as an adult, 
pushing expensive mops around.

I miss the girl who wore pink bandanas 
and braids, 
Whose undercurrent in life wasn’t always  “afraid”, 
Who wasted away hours in 
make-believe lands, 
And felt no guilt 
with book or controller in hand.

And I miss car rides with no destination, 
Enjoying the lilting song of a clock for pure relaxation, 
Not feeling enslaved by my own procrastinations, 
Making last minute plans, happy deviations,

I miss yesterdays that happened years ago 

And I miss the me that I used to know

Innasense

2020-09-25 08:01 am

Throw back the covers on 
the incessant redundancy 
of another day. 
Putting in time for a world 
we no longer believe in, 
if ever we truly did. 
...Them rose-tinted glasses 
were long-ago shattered...
Our dedication repaid 
With more stolen hours 

Coming home with less time 
To spend with ourselves, 
Or perhaps those we purposely 
surround ourselves with, 
Than we’ll spend talking to ceiling tiles 
in the dark later on. 
Droning away the limited hours, 
The constant pull of a thumb , 
—Refreshing—
Giving our ❤️s away 
In an opinionated match game 

Finger-fucking ourselves to sleep 
Just to say we felt alive 
Before succumbing to darkness 
With a see-you-later sayonara 
Whispered into black, 
Just like the onyx air pixels 
we’ll be counting later 
to lure heavy eyelids 
back into a much-too-finite slumber 
...Or maybe the fluffy white bastards 
will do the trick 
Whatever helps you sleep at night...

Next day, the inbox the same, 
Full of spam mail we unsubscribed to 
ages ago 
That somehow keeps rearing ugly heads, hydra-like 
with a pretty new name every time, 
to keep us believing in the possibility 
that this particular lovesick prince
will be our salvation. 
DELETE to clear our foggy heads 
While trying to remember 
which ones are the liars. 
The mirage keeps on shifting. 

Repeat, repeat, 
World keeps on turning, 
pulling us along, 
A child’s toy on a string. 

But what if, for a moment, 
We turn away from from the 
unending axial spins, 
Sidestep the scythe again, 
seek out the sunrise...
Find the beauty brave souls! 
Crack open that Earth-shaped geode and search out the wild world within 

And you know what...
Go buy you a new pair 
of those pretty pink shades 

Innasense

2020-09-20 08:33 am

Third time was the charm
A tormented soul bled out 
Life worth loving, lost 

Lonely surrounded,/
A house filled with laughter, but/
Today I feel blue 

Under darkest shroud/
These green eyes find no sunshine/
Not today at least 

Force another breath
This impenetrable funk 
And me stuck in it 

Static in my head/
A sound no one else can hear/
And I can’t escape 

It’s a feeling blue 
For no good goddamn reason 
Sucky kind of day 

Disconnected from all 
Desperation rules my head 
The world seems too small 

Innasense

2020-09-17 05:44 pm

I may have recently found a love of haikus...enjoy a heap of them! 


Such a small creature 
A fascination in green 
Life measured in hops 

Grading seems endless
Constantly processing...sigh, 
Your work is due friends 

Bike accident, ow!
Purple bruise on my kneecap 
Tiny tragedy 

Dead creature, a gift! 
Spare me your adoration 
Love in kitty form 

Humanity ruins
Each other, our home, all things
The one true constant 

Build each other up 
A constant stream of kindness 
Love creating joy 

Sleep eluding me 
Again I’m counting critters 
Heavy eyes please close 

This day could be good 
But only if you live it 
Stay here, keep trying

Tiny puzzles these
Haikus pieced together and 
Shared with awesome friends 

Innasense

2020-09-14 11:17 pm

”The End”

The night is young, 
Barely swollen with stars 
When the illusion shatters

As though everyone I had ever known
was gone
The world as I had come to know it, 
Ended.
Apocalyptic, 
And without near enough warning. 

Those paper souls lost,
Their memories fast fading, 
The stories they told, 
Words lost in the wind 
Some names forgotten,
Others stamped permanently 
onto my brain, 
autographs on my heart. 

I reminisced for a moment 
On the places we’d been, 
Conversations had, 
Friendships shared, 
Hardships weathered.

Bright sunny days spent outside 
Or solitary nights spent avoiding sleep, 
Blanketed by the silent words between us, 
Alone but for each other’s company.

Now I just feel alone, utterly, 
This finality staring me in the face 
Nothing left to do but face this music
Slipping away at too rapid a pace
These final notes, 
One last embrace. 

I tell myself I must accept this end, 
But allow myself one backward look 
Steel my heart,
Heave a sigh, 
And with great trepidation...



close this book. 

❤️📚💔

Innasense

2020-09-13 09:17 pm

“Wake Up” 

Ahh, the unexpected depression 
of waking up to greet another day 
This menial mundane monstrosity 
Shaded in varieties of gray 

Sloughing through
begrudged routines,
Caged in by an endless checklist 
Punctuated only by commas. 

Collecting “cherished moments” 
On your camera roll 
To say the day was a happy one. 

Hiding behind the infernal screen, 
A spyglass to a world you don’t even want
But hold onto anyway 
with white-knuckled grip, 
Afraid that reality won’t measure up 
To this life stickered with fantasy labels 

And you wonder when the dreaming stopped, 
Probably that moment you realized you still hadn’t woken up a superhero, 
Or that unicorns don’t exist outside of fairy tales

When tomorrows bled into yesterdays 
And you looked back in wide wonder 
Questioning how you collected so many rings in your trunk 
And pondering where all the whimsy went 

Chasing shadows of what was
And what could have been, 
Gazing into the abyss of what-ifs 

Unnecessary self-induced miseries. 
A waste of numbered moments.

Time that could be spent counting freckles that bridge across tiny noses, 
And listening to the relentless chatter 
Of a little heart that has not yet been broken, 
And who still believes in the maybes. 

I see you little souls. 
For you, I awaken. 

Innasense

2020-09-13 09:15 pm

Poetry Satirized

What is this thing they call poetry? 
It’s mostly “pretty words” you see 

Ok, maybe there’s a bit more to it... 
I’ll see if I can walk ya through it. 

We rap similes and metaphors, 
Figurative language whores 

Plays on words 
And turns of phrase
Emotional squalor 
And issues for days 

Lovers lost 
And sadness deep 
Words that when trapped 
Keep us from sleep 

“Racing to the finish” 
Or dragging our feet 
And not to compete 
or attempt to defeat 
But simply
To complicatedly complete 

Alleviate or desecrate
All depends upon the date
Or what kind of day we had 
Pissed off, celebratory, sad
Or in poetic terminology, 
Raging, blessed, melancholy 

We personify and mystify 
“Let them see it through our eyes” 

We rhyme and reason 
Or sometimes we don’t 
It’s not that we can’t 
It’s more likely we won’t 

Abstract or concrete 
Or both all at once 
Painting deeeeeep pictures...

But sometimes only of confusion 
Poetic delusions 😉
Words made in illusions 
Or maybe allusions?
No wonder we can’t always reach a conclusion...

So “pretty words” 
though they may often be, 
There is a bit more to this thing...

Poetry.

Innasense

2020-09-13 09:12 pm

OCDemons

An O for the things that I just can’t let go 
And maybe it’s not even the same things as last week,
But there all the same, 
Ground into my head 
As though they were the only thoughts that ever mattered
Sacred and necessary 
Though likely invisible or nonexistent
just a few days ago 
And maybe tucked 
back into the void 
In just a few more 

But I suppose it’s better than time spent 
Wondering 
What a head-on collision would be like 
Or how it might feel 
To put knife through bone 

It’s dangerous 
Inside my head sometimes 

C for the things that I just can’t not do 
Always look right when crossing a bridge 
Wear just enough purple 
Get the numbers right 
Watch the color patterns 
Check and check and check again 

I tell myself I do these things  
To clear a clouded head 
Unfortunately 
Seems to do 
The opposite instead 

D for the disorder in my head 
Brought on by 
A record on repeat all day, 
A ridiculous collection of 
unbreakable rules 
And the “honestly, 
what would REALLY happen?” 
Thoughts that make me feel insane 
The static buzz inside my brain 

So I 
Read it away. 
Write it away. 
Breathe it away. 
(Over)Think. It. Away. 
To Hell with you demons. 
Go plague someone else today. 

Oh...and see you in a little bit. 
😉😑

Innasense

2020-09-13 09:10 pm

Static 

Filled up with all that I can’t seem to say 
Brain buzzing 
...Static...
Like the constant angry drone of so many bees

Short-circuiting and electrified 
Monological trappings trapped inside 
An open book 
With nothing to hide 
But still the words won’t come alive 
...All I hear is static...

Chest compressed 
and short of breath 
static, Static, STATIC

Word obsessed, 
Linguistically repressed, 
Time-limited and hard-pressed 
Leaving me languid and distressed 
...Static...

Thoughts hellbent on sweet release
Chasing words and losing sleep 
Those just-right lyrics are buried deep
Underneath the static 

Ripping at my throat 
Itching in my fingers 
Insides aching
Quivering, quaking 
All this FUCKING static 
....................................................
..........................
..........................
Frenzy fading 

Thoughts relocating 

Words spilled out 

Conscious creating 

A state of nirvana elevating 

And all I feel is


Silence