2020-10-10 09:54 pm
Warning: this is looooooong and if you’re a sensitive individual the first parts may bother you. But hopefully the last part will inspire you. Speak your truths friends. The ones who matter will love you all the harder. #worldmentalhealthday

Hidden Stories 

They smiled, jokingly told her 
she looked tired, 
“Must’ve partied hard last night.”
Smile quietly returned, 
“just didn’t sleep too well I guess.”
She didn’t tell them how hard it was to get out of bed this morning, 
How sleep never came last night, 
How it felt like the darkness would just swallow her whole, 
How she felt hollow and empty 
and there weren’t any tears left, 
just an ache deep within 
that wouldn’t subside. 
And maybe if she just squeezed her eyes shut and stayed in that bed 
in the blacked out void, 
She wouldn’t have to face another day of faked smiles and “I’m ok” lies. 
“Just tired today I guess.”

“It’s warm today man!” 
“What’s with the long sleeves all the time?”
“Got some crazy tattoos under there?” 
He smiled, laughed along with them, 
Self-consciously ran his hands 
over his wrists. 
Over the bandages binding his secrets.
They didn’t know how close he got last night, how he almost let go, 
How so much blood, HIS blood 
swirled down the drain, 
mixing with his tears. 
He was sure no one would miss him, but he wondered if he would miss this world, 
And the good days out in the sun, 
Few and far between as they were.
What would they say if he were gone tomorrow?

“You should’ve come out with us last night. You would’ve had so much fun...”
She nodded and made those
“next time” promises, 
though she knew they were lies. 
She’d stay home again, 
Wrapped in the icy grips of loneliness, 
Which felt somehow better 
than her burning cheeks 
when the right words just wouldn’t come, or the wrong ones spilled out, 
and she felt their eyes on her,
Panic rising, thoughts frozen
Wishing she’d just stayed home, 
Away from the judgement, 
And all the wrong moves she always made

“Haven’t seen you around in a while! Doing ok?” 
His mouth smiled, head nodded, 
lips formed words he’d said so often, automatic. 
Because, really, he thought, 
How could I describe 
that moment last night, 
body curled up with forehead cold 
against the kitchen floor, 
Ears covered to block out the voices, 
Silent screams wracking his body as the panic overwhelmed him, 
No breath to speak, 
And who could he call anyway, 
How would he explain these moments of pure fear that slipped in unnoticed
and become everything, took everything, until he was a shivering shell of himself. 
Sometimes he wondered, 
if they could see through him, 
would they think him weak? 
Would they walk away...?

These people are all make-believe, 
but the experiences are not, 
taken from articles and discussions 
and sometimes even revelations from 
real-life friends. 
These are not my stories, 
but they are someone’s truths, 
Not their weakness, 
Not their short-lived sadness
that they can just “get over” if you try hard enough to make them happy. 
(My gosh do I need to remind myself of that part sometimes...)

But that doesn’t mean you stop trying. 
Love them y’all. 
Love them so damn much that you’ll sometimes break through the cracks in their self-inflicted armor. 
Listen to them, 
Give them the chance to be 
open and honest, 
And if what they say makes you flinch, imagine what it must feel like for them. 
Do something kind that makes them smile and get ready to do it again tomorrow.
Smile and laugh with them. Cry with them.
Be genuine with your 
thoughts and feelings. 
Give them space, but check on them. 
Pull them out of the dark for just a moment, say, 
“I’m here for you when you need me. 
And I always will be.” 

Mental health issues are often invisible, 
but still feel debilitating to the one 
inside that head. 
Stay educated. 
Be understanding. 
Love the hell out of each other. 




2020-09-25 08:01 am
Throw back the covers on 
the incessant redundancy 
of another day. 
Putting in time for a world 
we no longer believe in, 
if ever we truly did. 
...Them rose-tinted glasses 
were long-ago shattered...
Our dedication repaid 
With more stolen hours 

Coming home with less time 
To spend with ourselves, 
Or perhaps those we purposely 
surround ourselves with, 
Than we’ll spend talking to ceiling tiles 
in the dark later on. 
Droning away the limited hours, 
The constant pull of a thumb , 
Giving our ❤️s away 
In an opinionated match game 

Finger-fucking ourselves to sleep 
Just to say we felt alive 
Before succumbing to darkness 
With a see-you-later sayonara 
Whispered into black, 
Just like the onyx air pixels 
we’ll be counting later 
to lure heavy eyelids 
back into a much-too-finite slumber 
...Or maybe the fluffy white bastards 
will do the trick 
Whatever helps you sleep at night...

Next day, the inbox the same, 
Full of spam mail we unsubscribed to 
ages ago 
That somehow keeps rearing ugly heads, hydra-like 
with a pretty new name every time, 
to keep us believing in the possibility 
that this particular lovesick prince
will be our salvation. 
DELETE to clear our foggy heads 
While trying to remember 
which ones are the liars. 
The mirage keeps on shifting. 

Repeat, repeat, 
World keeps on turning, 
pulling us along, 
A child’s toy on a string. 

But what if, for a moment, 
We turn away from from the 
unending axial spins, 
Sidestep the scythe again, 
seek out the sunrise...
Find the beauty brave souls! 
Crack open that Earth-shaped geode and search out the wild world within 

And you know what...
Go buy you a new pair 
of those pretty pink shades 




2020-09-20 08:33 am
Third time was the charm
A tormented soul bled out 
Life worth loving, lost 

Lonely surrounded,/
A house filled with laughter, but/
Today I feel blue 

Under darkest shroud/
These green eyes find no sunshine/
Not today at least 

Force another breath
This impenetrable funk 
And me stuck in it 

Static in my head/
A sound no one else can hear/
And I can’t escape 

It’s a feeling blue 
For no good goddamn reason 
Sucky kind of day 

Disconnected from all 
Desperation rules my head 
The world seems too small 




2020-09-17 05:44 pm
I may have recently found a love of haikus...enjoy a heap of them! 

Such a small creature 
A fascination in green 
Life measured in hops 

Grading seems endless
Constantly processing...sigh, 
Your work is due friends 

Bike accident, ow!
Purple bruise on my kneecap 
Tiny tragedy 

Dead creature, a gift! 
Spare me your adoration 
Love in kitty form 

Humanity ruins
Each other, our home, all things
The one true constant 

Build each other up 
A constant stream of kindness 
Love creating joy 

Sleep eluding me 
Again I’m counting critters 
Heavy eyes please close 

This day could be good 
But only if you live it 
Stay here, keep trying

Tiny puzzles these
Haikus pieced together and 
Shared with awesome friends 




2020-09-14 11:17 pm
”The End”

The night is young, 
Barely swollen with stars 
When the illusion shatters

As though everyone I had ever known
was gone
The world as I had come to know it, 
And without near enough warning. 

Those paper souls lost,
Their memories fast fading, 
The stories they told, 
Words lost in the wind 
Some names forgotten,
Others stamped permanently 
onto my brain, 
autographs on my heart. 

I reminisced for a moment 
On the places we’d been, 
Conversations had, 
Friendships shared, 
Hardships weathered.

Bright sunny days spent outside 
Or solitary nights spent avoiding sleep, 
Blanketed by the silent words between us, 
Alone but for each other’s company.

Now I just feel alone, utterly, 
This finality staring me in the face 
Nothing left to do but face this music
Slipping away at too rapid a pace
These final notes, 
One last embrace. 

I tell myself I must accept this end, 
But allow myself one backward look 
Steel my heart,
Heave a sigh, 
And with great trepidation...

close this book.