Innasense

2020-12-28 09:42 pm

Obsessions 

What power you hold over me...
Every action, every thought 
Is just a push in your direction 
Feeding into the obsessions, 
Lost connections, misdirections, 
Absolutely positively coerced into these affections 
By a brain constantly seeking tiny moments of perfection. 

Though you kind of must admire this curation of adoration, 
All the mental efforts required to keep up the constant cultivation 
Of this undisturbed fixation, 
The impropriety and distraction 
of a single-minded meditation, 
All these mind-numbing, pacing, 
clock-like rotations 
Theoretically leading this obsessive mind to pure elation, 
The uninhibited fruits 
of this persistent dedication. 
Happy sighs and exhalations...

But then...
The sobering realization 
That somehow life existed 
before this shrine’s erection
And perhaps the cracks start to show, 
Unexpected but apparent imperfections, 
Initially denied and resolutely rejected, 
The shattered shards of a crystal ball that disagrees with my projections, 
The deflation, depletion, extortion
Of my vexation, 
Maybe leading to complete and utter exoneration... 
The disintegration of my fascination. 
Maybe someday...

But for now I prefer to float in my comforting contemplations, 
Giving in to the infatuation, 
These happy delusions 
of my mind’s incarceration. 
And if the worst this should cause is 
These false exhilarations, 
Then I shall stay here for a while 
And enjoy the scintillating sensations 
Of my obsessive ruminations. 

A
Temporary
Salvation. 

Innasense

2020-10-04 11:21 pm

I miss that girl who wore the moon on a chain,
The one who found happiness 
in solitude and rain,
Who wasn’t smothered by the 
endless need-to-dos, 
But instead made simple moments her muse. 

I miss the girl with the honest, unforced smile,
The one who could always stay for awhile,
Who took endless photos 
of sunsets and trees, 
And spent time, just being, 
under canopies of leaves.

I miss the girl always seeking out the new, 
The one whose blue days 
were ephemeral and few, 
Who spent her Sundays, childlike, 
taking trips to playgrounds, 
Instead of as an adult, 
pushing expensive mops around.

I miss the girl who wore pink bandanas 
and braids, 
Whose undercurrent in life wasn’t always  “afraid”, 
Who wasted away hours in 
make-believe lands, 
And felt no guilt 
with book or controller in hand.

And I miss car rides with no destination, 
Enjoying the lilting song of a clock for pure relaxation, 
Not feeling enslaved by my own procrastinations, 
Making last minute plans, happy deviations,

I miss yesterdays that happened years ago 

And I miss the me that I used to know

Innasense

2020-09-13 09:12 pm

OCDemons

An O for the things that I just can’t let go 
And maybe it’s not even the same things as last week,
But there all the same, 
Ground into my head 
As though they were the only thoughts that ever mattered
Sacred and necessary 
Though likely invisible or nonexistent
just a few days ago 
And maybe tucked 
back into the void 
In just a few more 

But I suppose it’s better than time spent 
Wondering 
What a head-on collision would be like 
Or how it might feel 
To put knife through bone 

It’s dangerous 
Inside my head sometimes 

C for the things that I just can’t not do 
Always look right when crossing a bridge 
Wear just enough purple 
Get the numbers right 
Watch the color patterns 
Check and check and check again 

I tell myself I do these things  
To clear a clouded head 
Unfortunately 
Seems to do 
The opposite instead 

D for the disorder in my head 
Brought on by 
A record on repeat all day, 
A ridiculous collection of 
unbreakable rules 
And the “honestly, 
what would REALLY happen?” 
Thoughts that make me feel insane 
The static buzz inside my brain 

So I 
Read it away. 
Write it away. 
Breathe it away. 
(Over)Think. It. Away. 
To Hell with you demons. 
Go plague someone else today. 

Oh...and see you in a little bit. 
😉😑